You’ve been hearing a lot of bullshit in the news lately about preventing, or diagnosing, COVID-19. Most of it makes you realize; obviously you’re not a doctor. It also should make you aware that the buncha assholes handing out advice aren’t doctors either.

As far as COVID-19 goes, there is no home test to detect it. Holding your breath for 10 seconds to determine if your lungs have been affected has been debunked. Drinking lots of water to wash down the virus has also been shown to offer as much protection as nailing a board to the floor, so you can wedge a chair against the door. So, let’s recap what we do know…

If you’re not slathering sanitizer on your hands or washing your mitts after every encounter with an object outside your house, you’re doing it wrong!

So, make sure to get the backs of your hands, between your fingers and scrub those thumbs for 20 seconds… how long is 20 seconds, you ask? Well, it’s roughly this long…

Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) by The First Edition:

    •   From the song’s start through the line, “I woke up this morning with the sundown shining in…”

The Man in Me by Bob Dylan:

    •   Through the opening instrumental up until Bob starts to sing…

    •   The opening stanza is close to 20 seconds… “The man in me will do nearly any task, And as for compensation, there's little he would ask, Take a woman like you, To get through to the man in me”

    •   Actually, just about every stanza in this song is about 20 seconds…

Lookin' Out My Back Door by Creedence Clearwater Revival:

    •   From opening note through, “Just got home from Illinois...take a rest on the porch…”

Mucha Muchacha by Esquivel:

    •   Through the first round of seven Mucha Muchachas, right up to when he trumpets chime in.

Oye Como Va by Santana:

    •   From the song’s beginning up to when the electric guitar comes in.

Peaceful Easy Feeling by The Eagles

    •   Who cares? Id rather come down with COVID-19 than listen to the fucking Eagles.

The Dude had the right idea. Hit Ralph’s late at night and avoid the crowds. This way, you’re not rubbing elbows with some fucker who doesn’t know how to cough into his elbow …and you can wear whatever you want. I like your style, Dude!

Other great ways to avoid crowds would be:

Uber Eats, or any food delivery service. If you’re lucky enough to live in a place with legalized recreational marijuana use, some places will come to you, wherever you are! Here are a few other thoughts for you to consider:

    •   If you're not sleeping with them every night, no hugging or kissing.

    •   If you're not helping them conceive, it's not a good time to jump on Tinder or any dating App.

    •   On public transportation, keep your distance from sneezers.

    •   Wash before you eat, after you leave a public area or whenever you get home.

    •   Avoid things folks touch: door handles, railings, self-order kiosks, and credit card readers.

    •   Find a hand sanitizer that's at least 60 percent alcohol.

    •   Masks don't prevent you from illness. They can contribute to catching something because we naturally touch our face when something is on it.

    •   If you're sick, stay home. Sure, you may have scored tickets to a Metallica concert (if they haven't already been cancelled)

The United States government is now recommending that you stay away from being part of groups of 10 people or more. This means that Martin Randahl’s Cycle would have been fine to attend, considering there are exactly ten people in the audience – and only the Dude, Walter and Donnie are sitting close to each other.

So, does social distancing mean we can’t sit next to each other? Well, kinda, but not really… it doesn’t mean that you have to go into self-isolation, unless you have symptoms and need to self-quarantine. Here are a few thoughts from a couple doctors:

    •   Avoid being in a crowd. Yeah, that means, no bowling, no theatrical events, no concerts, no bars…

    •   Stay indoors when you can, but, It’s still OK to go outside for an occasional walk, just don’t stand close to your neighbor as you talk.

    •   You can still order food to take food home from restaurants. Delivery is cool too (just remember to wash your hands after dealing with them.

    •   As long as you aren’t showing any symptoms, you can maintain family relationships as you otherwise would (though, you might want to avoid hugging or kissing older relatives).

    •   Just use your brain and avoid larger groups.

    •   Minimize your trips to the pharmacy or to the grocery store.

    •   Bring hand sanitizer and use it all the time.

    •   Don’t shake hands.

    •   Avoid using paper money.

    •   Get ready to catch up on your shows.

    •   And… call your parents if they are shut-in!

Let’s face it, there is nothing on God’s green earth that will keep you from touching your face (short of wearing one of those cones you put on your dog to keep it from licking its balls). BUT, in addition to continually reminding yourself to keep your hands away from your eyes, nose and mouth there is one thing you can do that’ll help:

KEEP YOUR HANDS CLEAN!

Sure, you touch your face… a lot – some experts say we, on average, do it between 16 and 23 times an hour, But, if you pay attention to the surfaces you’ve touched, and where you’ve been, you can lessen the impact of those touches by immediately following those surface touches and trips with properly washing your hands whenever possible and using hand sanitizer (if you can find any).